Collide
by seductionandcandlelight
Summary: Two bodies press together, but their souls meet as one. It was meant to be, but I wouldn’t say it was a meeting. With Remus and Tonks, it was more of a completely chaotic collision. Scenes from their life together: A tribute to Remus and Tonks.
1. Chapter 1: Breaking Dawn

**Collide**

**A tribute**

**Lupin****Tonks**** fan fiction**

_Author's Note: Reviews are always appreciated._

_Author's Note: The song finishes up, but I can still hear it playing through my mind – and I realize it's perfect. It fits them completely._

**Chapter 1: Breaking Dawn**

_The dawn is breaking_

_A light shining through_

_You're barely waking_

_And I'm tangled up in you_

Soft golden light filtered through the half-open white curtains. Simple and clean, the little bedroom seems to shimmer under the perfect sunbeams thrown across the floor.

As he blinks blearily, her hair changes from straight and black to a tumbling mass of blonde curls, each strand dipped in the shining morning sun. He rubs his thumb in slow circles at the small of her naked back, and watches the way the light frames her half exposed body in a dusty gold aura. Messy sheets wind their way around the couple's tangled limbs, and he dislodges his arm from the jumble to brush sandy bangs out of his eyes.

"Remus," comes a husky whisper as the blonde head gives a little shake. The man shifts and draws his gaze from the beautiful pinks and oranges melting into a newborn day. Fresh as the breaking dawn, startling violet eyes blink up at him in all innocence and a thin arm draws out from underneath his lean torso. She lifts a small hand to his cheek and pulls him down to meet her.

_Good Morning, Darling_, she's saying to him. His own arm brings her closer to him and he speaks aloud.

"Morning, Dora." His voice is hoarse, and she smiles against his lips at the sound of it.

Two bodies press together, but their souls meet as one. It was always meant to be that way.

xXxXxXx


	2. Chapter 2: Beautiful Strange Girl

**Chapter 2: Beautiful Strange Girl**

_I'm open, you're closed_

_Where I follow, you'll go_

The first meeting of the reunited Order of the Phoenix was held in the dusty kitchen of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. A case of butterbeers had been distributed, and Dumbledore stood at the head of the table. The group was still waiting for a couple of important people to arrive.

Sirius leaned into Mundungus and snarled in his ear, "Where the bloody hell is Remus, Dung? He lives here, and he still manages to be late."

On his other side, Mad-Eye muttered, "And Tonks should have been here ten minutes ago. Never on time, that woman."

xxx

Remus Lupin missed the last step of the creaky staircase and flew straight into the young woman who was bent over by the door, attempting to put right the troll leg umbrella stand she had apparently knocked over. She fell to the ground as well, and he felt the wind go out of her when he landed on top of her.

Blushing furiously, Remus offered her his hand as he stood up, "Awfully sorry, I always miss that last step."

She brushed away his apology, but took hold of his hand. Warmth spread from his fingertips throughout his body as she stood. She ran her wand over her robes to get rid of the dust, then looked up at him. Her eyes were electric blue, and her jet black hair was short and spiky.

"Nymphadora Tonks."

"Remus Lupin. Pleasure to meet you, Nymphadora." He couldn't pull his own deep eyes away from her bright blue ones.

"Oh god. Please don't call me that," she laughed, and he noticed how musical and lilting her laugh was.

"What?" he still hadn't released her hand, mesmerized by her blue eyes.

"I go by Tonks. Hell of a lot easier than _Nymphadora._ Honestly, what kind of a mother goes out of her way to put her kid through that kind of torture?"

He chuckled. Something about this girl was familiar to him, but he couldn't for the life of him remember where he knew her from.

There was a silence for a few moments before Remus realized he had yet to let go of her hand, and dropped it like a hot poker. He turned to the door and said nervously, "So you're here for the meeting then?"

"Oh yeah. Maybe we should go in now."

xxx

He was _trying_ to concentrate. Really, he was.

"Dammit." This would be a lot easier to do if the pretty young woman he had met outside didn't keep changing the color of her hair to distract him. Every face in the room was turned to Dumbledore, but the pair at the end of the table just didn't seem able to keep focused. As Snape recounted the list of currently active Death Eaters, Remus stole another glance at the girl across the table from him. Her eyes were focused on Snape, but Lupin thanked God that he wasn't looking back at her.

Tonks' skin was colored hot pink, and she had somehow developed an odd, rather pig-like snout. Attempting to keep his amusement contained, he kicked her gently just above her ankle. Her face reverted to normal, but she now had shimmering green eyes and shoulder length brown hair. Remus tore his eyes away and did his best not to look at the beautiful stranger again throughout the rest of the meeting.

xxx

Remus picked up an empty butterbeer bottle and threw it in the air. Sirius caught it and threw it in the trash without even looking.

"How do you do that?" Remus asked, frustrated.

"Pure bloody skill, Moony darling." Sirius grinned at him.

"One would think thirteen years in Azkaban would put him out of practice… but NOOO." Remus wiped the table down, muttering under his breath.

Sirius turned, and tossed the rag he'd been scrubbing the counter with into a corner.

"Couldn't keep your eyes off her, could you?" Sirius asked quietly.

"What?" Remus turned quickly to face his friend.

Sirius gave him a small smile, "Tonks. Don't you remember her from the first time you met her?"

"Bit hard to tear my eyes away when she's sporting such an elegant platypus bill." Remus retorted

Sirius snorted.

A minute later, Remus' thoughts caught up to him, "I've met her before?"

"I can't believe you don't remember – it was quite something, meeting my nine year old niece - or whatever she is. We were 23, I think. I definitely remember you and James being there."

"She's your niece?" Remus' tone was confused, but he saw things beginning to fall into place.

"Andromeda's daughter. Does that count? Her dad's that Muggle?"

"Merlin. That was so long ago. I think I remember." Remus laughed, "I never would have made the connection. But she's the only Metamorphagus I've ever met, and I knew she seemed familiar."

"Grown quite a bit, she has," Sirius sounded almost wistful, "She used to be the cutest thing; I can just see her now, running around half naked with bright purple skin. Damn proud of her though – she grew up the right way. Joining the order and taking a stand. Couldn't have expected any better. Should have known Andromeda'd make a great mum." He was mumbling and laughing to himself.

Remus sat back down in his chair and stared ahead. He could imagine her sitting there, changing her appearance at rapid speeds, just to get a laugh out of him.

He jerked his head, attempting to shake the image from his head. _Too young, too beautiful. Too fresh, too whole. _These were silly thoughts.

_Sirius seemed to like the idea a lot, though, judging by his suggestive glaces and thump of approval at the end of meeting. But no, it's impossible. _

"Brilliant, wasn't it? To do her eyes in tribute to Moody's. Loved it. Woman's bloody hilarious." Sirius was still rambling on.

Best to just rid himself of all thoughts of her. _Yes, that's a good idea. Just chase her out of your mind. _

He smiled as he walked out of the kitchen, remembering how when _she_ was leaving, she had walked straight into the closed door, looked around in shock, and then promptly collapsed into giggles on the floor.

_Oh, there I go again._

"Night Moony," Sirius' scratchy voice called after him.

"Night Padfoot." Remus made sure he actually caught the first step and repeated his mantra as he walked up.

_Impossible. Too old. Too dangerous. Impossible. __Too old. Too dangerous. Impossible._

xxx

**Author's Note: This story isn't necessarily going to be in chronological order so I'm sorry if it gets confusing. I'm not very good at keeping my thoughts straight and I apologize in advance for any mix-ups. Thanks for reading! If you get a second, please leave a review. They really make my day. **

**XxXx 3 tina**


	3. Chapter 3: The Light in Your Eyes

**Chapter 3: The Light in Your Eyes**

_I worry I won't see your face_

_Light up again _

Remus was shaking. Someone was screaming. Harry was running away, but he couldn't follow. His world seemed to spin in slow circles around him. Everything was going dark.

_Something that hurts more than the pain of transformation._

_Something that stings worse than constant rejection._

_Something more tiring than the weariness of the week after the full moon._

_Something to age me more t__han hours of work, more than __years of war._

_An agony only the death of someone I love can bring._

Tears burn his eyes and blur his vision as he sinks to the ground.

xxxxx

The Burrow was the perfect home. Remus had always thought that.

But then, he had thought that about the Potter mansion, too, and the houses themselves couldn't be more different. Perhaps, it is not the house that makes the home, but the atmosphere, the love, and the family who lives there.

Today, though, neither home would have been happy to host the returning group of downtrodden wizards who were the seemingly "triumphant" Order of the Phoenix. Not one face of the victorious soldiers was smiling.

Molly Weasley ushered the Order hurriedly into the kitchen, where chairs and stools were magicked left and right to create enough sitting area.

xxxxx

Remus shivered violently.

A large mug of tea was set down in front of him, but he didn't dare pick it up for fear of spilling it everywhere. He just sat, shaking, with his head in his hands.

It didn't make any sense. Losing Sirius. It was just… utterly incomprehensible.

_Sirius was invincible._ He had always told Remus that. But Remus was old, Remus was learned, Remus was bitter. He had come to know the ways of the world. And in these times, things were never what they seemed. _But of course, of course I should have known…_

The last of Remus' silly childish ideals was shattered. First he had lost his parents, then James and Lily, and now his last, closest friend… he could not possibly survive without Sirius.

Wrapping unsteady fingers around the hot mug, tears sprang to his eyes again. Realization crashed over him in endless waves of guilt and sorrow. He could have had so much more time with Sirius, so much more time believing in Sirius, if he had just trusted his instincts. He should have gone to speak with him, to see him, during his thirteen years in Azkaban. Wasting away, rotting in hell for another man's crime.

Sirius' had handled life in a way no else could. Life had thrown so many obstacles in his path, and he blasted each apart with a smile, and a bark of a laugh. Everything that could possibly have gone wrong in his life _had_, and still he sauntered on, with a hand in his hair and a twinkle in his eye.

_Yes, the war has indeed begun._

xxxxx

A head fell to the table beside Remus as he lifted his cup to take a long draught of tea. Silent sobs wracked her body, and her pain was almost tangible to him. The seating was so cramped in this silent kitchen of mourners that it was with difficulty that he extracted an arm to draw around the girl's shoulders.

When she lifted her head from her arms, he was surprised to recognize Nymphadora Tonks. Seeing the anguish in her black eyes, swimming with tears, he pulled her close. Her hair was long and black; her skin as pale as death, but it was her eyes that caught his attention. Black and empty, where once a light had burned so bright. She brushed away the tears impatiently, but rested her head on his shoulder, in desperate need of reassurance.

"It was all my fault. I had her first. I should have taken her with me. _I should have killed her._"

Remus was shocked to hear the fierce undertones in her voice, but he didn't say anything. Maybe he should have contradicted her, maybe he was supposed to say something. But right now, all he could think about was her eyes.

As she cried quietly into his shoulder, his only thought was _and I could never see just how bright the fire in her eyes had been… I could never tell, until the light went out._

xxxxx

The pair was silent, joined in grief, and his mind wandered to Sirius, but returning to her as he twisted his hand into her long black hair. And all he could think was that he wanted to be the one to put the fire back in her soul. _I want to be there, and I want her. _

Remus turned away from those thoughts. He had been down this path before. But love isn't something you can stop. You cannot simply turn away from an emotion, as you turn away from a person or place.

_And I will never allow myself to turn my back on her. _

xxxxx

**Author's Note****: Okay. I did what I can, and this is hardly what I wanted to accomplish, but I figured I should just put it out there for you. Apologies for the, erm, lowliness of the actual writing quality… but I … I dunno. I tried.**

**Reviews are very much _always_ ****appreciated. **

**; ) much love**

**tina**


	4. Chapter 4: Poetry

Author's Note: Okay, just to give you an idea of the time frame… around Halloween in OotP – _before_ the last scene took place (and Sirius decided to go ruin my life and die)… and bear in mind that Sirius isn't allowed to leave the house (I don't think Remus is _that_ much of a pushover)… and lastly a very large hug to all my reviewers from the last three chapters because you are all so fabulous. _I do love reviews…_

**Chapter 4: ****Poetry**

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_

"Inconceivable!" Sirius shouted.

He stormed into Remus' excuse for a room, clad in nothing but his pajama bottoms, holding an empty box of Honeyduke's finest.

Remus bolted upright, his book slipping from his hand, and turned to face his livid friend. "What happened?"

"YOU ate the last bar of chocolate. We are OUT of chocolate! OUT OF CHOCOLATE!" Sirius took one deep, calming breath and straightened. "Absolutely unacceptable, mate. You're going to have to get more," he told Remus in a perfectly flat tone.

Whenever Sirius talked in a normal vice, Remus knew no good would come of it. He sighed, and went for the wardrobe. "What kind of chocolate do you want, Sirius?"

xxxxx

It was a beautiful autumn day. Golden leaves crested the roofs of the tiny shops, and the quaint houses emanated warmth that was a mixture of sunlight and happiness. Remus couldn't help but feel uplifted as he strode down the cobbled streets in the little village of Hogsmeade. People bustled about, carrying shopping bags and small children, and standing here, he could forget the rest of the world for a minute, and just get lost in the crisp fall breeze.

A small hand pinched his waist, and Remus whirled around. Nymphadora Tonks stood laughing, dressed in dark blue jeans and a thin cream sweater, with shoulder length straight red hair and humongous golden eyes. Remus chuckled and smiled down at her.

"It's good to see you," he murmured, then caught the tenderness in his voice and cleared his throat, hoping she hadn't heard.

She had, of course. She looked a bit puzzled, but happy. She placed his arm in hers and began walking, "It's good to see you too. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He steered her by the arm, leading her towards Honeydukes.

She looked up at him with those extra large eyes, and he burst out, "Are your eyes… gold?"

She giggled, "Yeah, why? Do you not like it?"

"No, I love – I mean… why gold?"

"Why not?" She smiled, and sunlight sparkled in her irises, reflected back at him. The effect was blinding, and he quickly turned away.

"Erm… Muggle clothes?" He struggled to find some neutral ground, something that wasn't embarrassing to talk about, "What about that? That can't be normal for you… and people wear their robes in Muggle London… Hogsmeade is entirely witches and wizards, it's not like you need to blend in."

"Oh I know… I just liked the look for today. It just…went. My hair is absolutely blood red, see? I didn't even mean for it to be that way… I just woke up to it."

_She has an answer for everything. Really makes you look good, Remus, blundering about, tripping over your words like some half-witted fool._

But their silence was comfortable as they strolled on. There was no tension in the air, and it occurred to Remus that maybe just _being_ with her made him calm. Gave him confidence. Maybe he_ needed_ her.

_Shut up, Shut up! You don't "need" anyone. You can never rely on someone entirely – not being what you are, you stupid were-_

"Remus?"

_Shit, was that a question?_

"Um, sorry? I missed that… what was the question?"

"Nothing important, just wondering what you were doing here."

"Sirius needed chocolate."

She looked up at him expectantly, as though prompting him to say something more.

"What? He did. Sirius wants chocolate. I buy it. Sirius eats chocolate. I buy more chocolate. I sneak some off to my room. Sirius demands compensation. I come to Hogsmeade. End of story."

She laughed again, and he wished he could turn his ears off. It was so hard to distance himself from something that felt so bloody good. Her laugh was lilting and light, her chuckles were deep and husky, and her giggles were like bells - insanely girly and endlessly adorable.

_Um… hello? Sirius' "niece"? FOURTEEN bleeding years, man, pull yourself together._

xxxxx

Honeydukes smelled like heaven, and Remus let the door swing shut behind him, breathing in all the lovely scents that reminded him of his Hogwarts day. The Blood-Flavored lollipops and Sugar Quills caught his eye, reminiscent of his visits with James and Sirius and Pet-

"OWWWWW! BLOODY FREAKING HELL! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!" The glass paned door had slammed shut right in Tonks' face. The red haired version of the clumsy, lovable woman now stood right outside the shop, cursing fluently and clutching her tiny nose, which appeared to be broken. Remus yelped, and shoved open the door in his haste to get to her, subsequently knocking her backwards into the shop window with such force that she fell through.

Glass shattered, customers screamed. Remus shouted apologies and extracted Nymphadora from the mess, waving his wand and observing as the sweets all rearranged themselves.

_"__Reparo!_" he muttered, and the shards of glass flew back to their original position, mending themselves rapidly. Red faced, he brought Tonks up to a sitting position and propped her up against the shop front, where several curious people pressed up against the window to get a good look at the pair who had caused all the commotion.

Tonks looked unperturbed by her fall, and smiled up at him through the blood that had spread all over her face. Remus fumbled for something to say.

"Erm… well, uh, you see… Oh my god, I'm so sorry." And very inconveniently burst into laughter. They laughed together for a long time, and Remus couldn't remember feeling this good or happy since Sirius had fallen out of the shower because he thought it was haunted by the ghost of his mother, and it had turned out to be Kreacher muttering behind the curtain.

There was something welcoming and open about Tonks that he had never experienced with anyone else. And he thoroughly enjoyed it. As soon as they managed to pull themselves together and stop rolling around on the cobblestones, he extended a hand to help her up. She dusted herself off and he tapped the tip of her broken nose very lightly. She jumped.

"God. That's fucking painful."

Remus grinned rather maniacally, still high on all the laughter, and said, "Stay still, a moment, will you, and I think I can fix that. _Episkey!"_

"That's a handy little spell, with all the situations _I_ get myself into," remarked Tonks, gingerly fingering her newly repaired nose.

"Thought you might find it useful," he said, then cupped her face in his hand and began siphoning off the blood with his wand. Her smile was enrapturing, and he didn't want to stop touching her when he had finished, but he drew his hand back and spared her a reasonably normal grin.

"Shall we get that chocolate now, Remus? I think I could really use some after an adventure like that."

"Mmmm. Good idea. But Sirius might have a conniption if you touch his chocolate."

"You think? Why would Sirius Black, chocolate hoarder and mass murderer extraordinaire, mind if I had a bite? I mean, last time I ate his food, he only strung me up by my ankle from the apple tree and made me say 'Sirius Black is the sexiest man alive' three times before he forgave me."

"Really? Oh, well then stealing a couple bars shouldn't be any problem at all. That's a positively tame punishment."

"Shut up. By his standards, it is," she muttered as she held the door openly carefully and they stepped inside.

xxxxx

Remus dumped the packages of Belgium, Dark, Milk, and Raspberry Chocolate on Sirius' bed and headed for his own room, where he kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the bed.

He couldn't help but think of a pair of sparkling golden eyes and a dazzling smile that stopped his heart from beating. He couldn't help but think of all the times he had tripped up and she had just laughed along with him, never directing it _at_ him. He couldn't help thinking how he had never felt this way before… how he had never met anyone quite like _her_ ever before …

xxxxx

Miles away, in her messy London apartment, Nymphadora sat staring at the cloudless afternoon sky and thought of a lovely morning outing during which she had managed to meet the man of her dreams, break her nose, fall through a window, burn a hole through her tongue with an acid pop, have a lovely coffee with said man, and devour twelve galleons worth of _her own_ Honeyduke's chocolate.

_All in a day's work…_ she sighed to herself.

She couldn't really compare Remus to anyone, because he was such a mystery – and so completely… his own. He was himself, and no one else. He didn't need to be anyone else, and he accepted the world as it came to him. He seemed so dark, so quiet and thoughtful, but when he laughed, it was as though the entire room filled with sunlight.

_Like a bloody twelve year old in love, you are. You know better. He'll__ never reciprocate this kind of feeling. _

_But.__ He feels the same way. You can see it in his fathomless grey eyes. _

She had no idea how he felt, but she knew she had it bad. His eyes were like stormy skies, and she still wanted to lose herself in them. Looking into his eyes was like falling through time. Like the sadness of a thousand goodbyes, and emotions that ran deeper than she could ever have imagined… and a secret. Some terrible, beautiful, terrifying secret. She wanted him, and she longed to comfort him and soothe the horrible sorrowful guilt caused by his elusive mystery. She loved the way he stumbled over thoughts when he talked to her, making her feel worth the time and effort… and how everything he said to her came from the lips of an angel… however he said it… and every word sounded like _sheer poetry_.

xxxxx


	5. Chapter 5: Under the Mistletoe

Timeframe? Maybe December, Order of the Phoenix year.

**Chapter ****5: Under the Mistletoe**

_Out of the doubt that fills my mind_

_I somehow find_

_You and I collide_

Tonks strolled purposefully down the familiar street. The cold sharp wind bit at her exposed ankles and stung her arms, which she wrapped around her chest in a futile effort to warm herself up. There was no pretty snow tonight, just a bit of leftover slush. She was exhausted, she was tired, and all she wanted was a nice strong shot of Firewhiskey to wash the trouble away. She should probably make for the Hog's Head, because she was sure her brain would not stand for much nonsense from the loud and raucous crowd that usually attended the Three Broomsticks.

She was planning to pass right by, but she stopped at the window as something within caught her eye. Remus Lupin was sitting at the bar, facing the window… looking pleasantly tipsy and laughing loudly at something Rosmerta had said to him. The pretty barmaid smirked cheekily and leaned in to whisper in his ear. Tonks flung open the door.

_Did I do that? I didn't mean to do that. Where__ are my feet going? Stop feet, stop! I command you!_

Remus turned his head lazily. His face seemed to light up when he saw her, but she might have imagined it, because the next minute he had reverted to the expression he had worn the moment before. She walked slowly to the bar, navigating through the boisterous crowd. When she lifted her spiky head, she was faced with a flirtatious little grin, and she felt the corners of her own mouth lift involuntarily in response. It was impossible not to respond to a smile like that, and there was no reason for her to hide her happiness at finding him here.

"How've you been, Remy?" she asked, signaling Rosmerta.

He groaned by way of answer, letting his head drop onto the table. He peeked out at her from under a halo of sandy hair illuminated in the soft light from the bar. Around her, people shouted and noise burst from every corner, but her headache was fading, imperceptibly and unexplainably, as she looked into those incredible endless eyes. A weary smile tugged at his lips, and he said.

"All the same boring stuff, Dora. Nothing happening, nothing new. My life fails to interest even me at the best of times, I'm sure you don't want to hear about it."

She accepted a warm butterbeer and dropped a few coins into Rosmerta's hand with a smile.

_Wait, I thought I was getting something strong? No? What, you think I don't need it? I assure you I do. So I don't make any decisions for myself anymore? This is fascinating. And very annoying._

"Mmhmmm. I don't believe a word of that. I know you're hiding some deep dark secret… but have no fear. I'll discover it, then threaten to tell the world. You, in all your sweet vulnerability, will submit to me and remain my slave for all eternity." She took a swig of her butterbeer.

He laughed. "And then?"

"I will be perfectly happy. I'll be with you forever."

She froze.

_Ummm, hello? Some things I **would** __like to control. _

She snuck a look at him. He appeared to be oblivious, downing his gillywater.

_Maybe he didn't notice the implications of that sentence_

_But…_

_Would it__ really__ be so bad if he did?_

He did notice. But he didn't dare believe it. And consequentially, he dealt with it in the most immature way he could possibly think of. He pushed it aside and ignored it. He finished his drink and said, determined to keep the mood light, "Yes, and I would no doubt enjoy my life of servitude to fair maiden."

"Fair maiden? Hardly. Can't even control my own bleeding feet…" she muttered into her bottle.

He stared at her and sighed, taking in her bubblegum pink hair and twinkling violet eyes. Was she always this happy? Was she always so innocent and playful? So full of life, the embodiment of joy…

He himself was startled at all the passions she awoke in him. Never had he felt so young as he did when he was with her - not even in his years at Hogwarts, when he had so much responsibility, so many chores and hidden secrets to worry about. He basked in the glory of her company, the glow of her love and friendship. She was an personable source of warmth to him, in these danger-fraught, worry-ridden days of imperative secrecy. Simply watching her finish her butterbeer was enrapturing… But he could never admit it.

To do so would be to expose himself, and he was sure, indefinitely sure, that none of Sirius' clever ploys or any of Tonks' womanly wiles would seduce him away from this secure sense of security in his falsified denial. He sighed again, heavier, and drew away from his silly boyish thoughts.

She looked up at him with a question in her eyes, and he took her elbow as they headed for the door.

They were jostled along, and somehow ended up on the other side of the room.

"Err, Remus, where are you going?"

"Trying," he grunted, pushing past a wizard bound head to foot in what appeared to be lime green gauze, "to get," he sucked his stomach in as he pulled the two of them between and through a witch and a goblin having a heated discussion about something involving beetle eyes, "to the door," he finally breathed.

They were stuck. Remus exhaled through his teeth, causing his fringe to flutter a bit, as he looked on in exasperation. They were stuck in a well lit corner in front of a fireplace. Christmas ornaments adorning the tree beside them knocked against Tonks' head as she watched a Ministry wizard and a Prophet reporter argue over the antics of Dolores Umbridge. She snorted.

Remus turned, the look on his face one of humorous mock surprise. "Do my ears deceive me? Was that a Sirius–snort?" He didn't bother suppressing his chuckle.

She blushed (_adorably_, he thought), and said, "Shut up, you! It was a very ladylike, well mannered snort. I was merely making a show of my extreme exasperation at your lack of skill in navigating a route out of this place!"

"Very ladylike," he agreed in all seriousness, "Heaven forbid Nymphadora Tonks should ever emit a sound that was _un-ladylike_, or, I don't know, possibly even repulsive, such as a disgustingly accurate demonstration of gargling troll snot. One can only imagine the horrors."

She sighed in remembrance of that fateful Order meeting… where her apparent boredom had gotten a little out of hand when Sirius suggested a few alternatives to just sitting there, "since you're so high-and-mighty," one of which had unfortunately been gargling troll snot…

"That was an exceedingly fabulous impression, thank you very much," she crossed her arms and raised her eyes to the ceiling in an obviously display of her petulance. She wished she hadn't.

Remus snaked an arm around her waist to comfort the poor unhappy child, but was surprised when she turned into him, eyes still on the space above their heads. He glanced up over their heads too, and noticed, with a shock, precisely what had caught her attention.

_How do I get myself into these situations? _

"Errr…"

"Mistletoe," she stated bluntly, and gazed at him expectantly, thinking to herself how stupid this was.

_Only I could manage to land myself into this position._

_Remus John Lupin, PhD in the exact art of __Wrong Place, Wrong Time_

"Ahem,"

_First step would be to drop your arm._

He dropped it so quickly he might have been burned.

_Now step away slowly. You can do this. C'mon, dislodge yourself. _

_Staring into her eyes isn't going to do you any good, idiot!_

"Jesus Christ. You are so bloody _slow_," her lips crashed down onto his.

His eyes were wide open as she held his face in one hand and kissed him fiercely.

His eyelids fluttered close. The world melted away as her hand moved to the back of his neck and his hands tangled in her astonishingly bright hair. His tongue slipped into her mouth, and it was… all there. So complete. Whole and comfortable.

Neither bothered to come up for air. When Tonks was sure she would pass out if she went another second without oxygen, she pulled away, gasping.

Remus' hair was mussed and his clothes were in disarray. He inhaled a long breath. Tonks dragged her fingers through her own messy hair and stared at him.

_I cannot believe I did that. _

_No, actually... I really can._

"You're not a bad kisser," she assessed.

He gawked at her in disbelief. A laugh was bubbling up in his throat as he took in her extraordinarily composed face.

"But that was terribly cliché. We'll have to do better next time. And not, erm, get knotted together like a couple of teenagers."

He couldn't hold it in. A deep chuckle escaped him, and he fell to uncontrollable laughter.

She took one look at him and dissolved into giggles, too.

This was a special kind of laughter, he thought, as he collapsed on the floor, much to the disapproval of the middle aged witch attempting to pass by. Tonks toppled over next to him, unable to stop laughing.

And anything he did with her was incredibly silly… and never failed to mean something to him. Something special and beautiful in a way that was different from everything else.

This was a new kind of chuckle, a set of giggles apart from the rest.

Because he only seemed to ever experience this kind of boundless happiness when he with her.

* * *

**Author's Note: ****Worst chapter yet? I'm sorry. I haven't been very happy with anything I've written lately, though I kind of like my latest one-shot… Not important, sorry. I'll stop boring you to death, go read something decent. Hopefully you enjoyed this somewhat. ****Of course, thank you so much to all my reviewers form last chapter, because reading your reviews really keeps me happy and energized. _Your opinion means a lot to me! Please review if you have a minute and tell me what you thought!_**


	6. Chapter 6: From the Beginning

Timeframe? Remus and Dora's fateful first meeting mentioned in Chapter 2… He's about twenty three, I think, and she's nine.

**Chapter ****6: ****From the Beginning**

_I'm __quiet,__ you know_

_You make a first impression _

"Remus, move your arse! Andromeda will have my head if we're more than ten minutes late!"

Remus' voice was scratchy and slightly muffled as it floated down the stairs, "Shut up, Padfoot! If you wanted to get there on time, _maybe_ you should have given me more than 5 seconds advance notice. And showing up earlier might have helped. You got here at 10:15! We're going to be at least half an hour late, anyways. How old is the girl, again?"

"She's nine years old. How long does it take to put a shirt on, honestly?" Sirius tapped his foot impatiently on the old wooden floor, and fiddled nervously with the wand in his pocket.

He heard Remus' light footsteps and smiled, bending to stroke a sleek black cat that was rubbing against his leg. "Took you long enough," he snorted at the thin werewolf standing before him in Muggle clothing.

Remus smacked him upside the head as he stepped around him to grab a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. "Sirius, I swear you are the rudest, most ungrateful man I've ever had the misfortune to meet. I don't even know why I waste my time with you."

"It's my sexy hair."

Remus gave Sirius' hair a very dirty look, as though it had mortally wounded him, and said, "Oh yes, that's definitely it." He turned his nose up and stalked past in mock disdain.

Bertie Bott's in hand, he opened the side door and walked into the small yard. "Well, c'mon, idiot, let's get going. Bring Cassandra; we can drop her off at James' on the way."

Sirius picked up the cat, who hissed at her displacement, and complained as he locked the door behind him, "Really, we don't have time for this. Why do you even have the little beast?"

"Lily was here last night with Harry and Cassie. James had to work late."

"She brought Cassandra?"

"Uhh, yeah?"

Sirius grunted. "Ruddy woman and her animal."

Remus sighed.

He grabbed Lily's little friend and turned on the spot, disappearing with a faint _pop_.

xxxxx

"You better watch out, Remy, that girl may be cute, but she's neurotic - unexpectedly dangerous," Lily warned him concernedly when Sirius told her where they were going.

James missed the bottom step in his hurry to get to the kitchen and slid straight into Lily, who was holding her unhappy cat, apparently rather discombobulated from the unexpected apparition.

"Nonsense," he admonished his wife, straightening his collared shirt; "Tonks makes quite an impression. I love her! Sirius and I have tons of fun whenever _we_ go over."

Lily looked at Remus pointedly.

xxxxx

The house looked fairly normal, Remus supposed.

Sirius had reassured him numerous times that Andromeda was his favorite cousin, and '_don't tell me you don't trust my impeccable judgment'_.

_Righhht. _Remus had had more than his fair share of unpleasant run-ins with Sirius' assorted family members, and even worse experiences with his "impeccable judgment." He shuddered, remembering that rather horrible broom closet incident in their last year at Hogwarts. Five or so years later, he was still tender if you touched that one spot above his ear where Lily had hit him repeatedly as punishment for the _"thoughtless utter__ childish__ness"_ of that event. Sirius, he thought bitterly, got away scot-free with a clap on the back as a thank you from James.

"I dunno, Sirius…"

"Remus, she's great. And you'll love Dora. She's the best thing to ever happen to the magical world. Honestly. Though I did go a little loopy on her last time…"

"What did you do?" Remus asked out of habit, not sure he really wanted to know. He stepped cautiously onto the front path.

"Well, she stole my chocolate, you know," Sirius flushed a bit, "and you know how I get…"

Remus sniggered, continuing more comfortably up the driveway after scouting it out, slightly reassured that at _this_ relative's house, nothing was going to fly through a wall or yell derogatory names at him. He didn't bother listening to the rest of Sirius' story, just catching the last bit about Andromeda not feeling safe leaving her baby alone with him anymore, and insisted he bring someone along if he was ever to watch Nymphadora again.

Sirius rang the Muggle doorbell. He listened delightedly at the chiming noises it made throughout the house. He pushed it again. And again. And again. Remus grabbed his wrist before he was able to pound the poor button into oblivion.

"Why I get roped into the babysitting jobs, I'll never know. You take James and Lily out to bars and pubs and on the bike and all, but not little Moony. NO sir. Only going to take _Remus_ to visit all my insane relations who like to do their best to seduce him, throw vases, and hang fake full moons in the air to torment him."

"You're good with kids. Friendly and kind and all… And some of my family is too horrible for me to deal with on my own. You understand that, don't you, Remykins?" Sirius attempted to sway the werewolf with the puppy dog eyes he had been so famous for at school. Remus could almost remember them working on Dumbledore once.

"Call me that again and I'll show you just how _un_friendly I can rea—" the door banged open, and a beautiful woman with long, dark hair stood in the frame, looking harassed.

_She doesn't look so bad. This should be a piece of cake._

"Oh, hello. You must be Remus. Sirius, get inside." She shot her cousin a dirty look before extending a hand to Remus, warm smile in place.

"Pleasure to meet you, Andromeda, Sirius has tol—ARGHHHHH!!!"

"SIRIUS! YOU TERRIBLE, DISGUSTING, HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A MAN!"

Something bright green and rather tiny landed on his chest with a burst of force and he fell against the pavement. A hand shot out, and, much to Remus' dismay, started smacking him repeatedly across the face with surprising strength. The thing lying on top of his chest was wearing only a flimsy little thing that resembled a sports bra and a pair of too-large jeans, and digging its bony elbows into his chest as it hoisted itself into sitting position and punched him in the face. Remus yelled and blinked. Sea green eyes hovered not an inch from his own.

He received another shock as the skin around the eyes was slowly changing color as it reverted to a normal, perfectly tanned tone.

"Whoops." A soft voice mumbled. Bright purple lips changed back to a rosy pink and her green eyes turned a startling shade of violet. Her previously turquoise hair turned bright pink and stuck up suddenly in all directions. Remus blinked rapidly again.

_W__ait…w__hat?_

She rolled off him. "Sorry." She looked down at him, the expression on her face curious, and not a bit remorseful. A little hand extended. He surveyed it warily before grasping it. _The teeny__ thing had be__en used as a lethal weapon against me__, after all!_ "I'm… Tonks. Good to meet you."

Sirius, of course, was pissing himself laughing on the other side of the lawn as Andromeda looked on, blatantly horrified… and quite amused. Ted Tonks, a round-bellied, happy sort of man, observed from the front porch, chuckling heartily.

Remus smoothed his robes and said, "So, you're Nymphadora?" He looked down at the pretty young girl, standing with her arms crossed, who had yet to put a shirt on. Her mother seemed to notice this too, and ran forward, summoning several shirts from Tonks' room as she came. A jumper and a burgundy jersey smacked Remus in the face as Tonks grabbed a dark purple tank top from the jumble. Andromeda sent the rest flying back as Remus peeled the clothes off his face, and watched her scold her daughter quietly. Nymphadora ignored her. Sirius sauntered over as Ted yelled for "'Dromeda" to come to the car, "we're going to be late".

"We'll be back soon, take care." She kissed the girl on the forehead and smiled at Remus, playfully shoving Sirius out of her way as she headed for the sedan pulling out of the driveway.

Remus tried again, "So, you're Nymphadora, right?"

"No."

"What?" he looked to Sirius for assistance, but the latter was already walking towards the house, no doubt in search of food, "Who are you, then?"

"I told you. I'm Tonks."

"Right. You go by your last name. Fine. However, your _given name_ is Nympha-"

"I'm Tonks. End of story," she set off after Sirius in a huff, as though this was all Remus' fault. He tripped after her and extended a hand, mesmerized by this strange new phenomenon — a child unlike any other. She looked back at him as he stumbled over his feet to follow, and appeared to consider him. Apparently she was pleased with what she saw, because as he started to introduce himself, she attacked him again. Ahem.

"Well all that aside, I'm –"

"Very cute," she finished for him, and kissed him full on the lips. His eyes widened in shock as she grabbed his face.

She pulled back and smiled, "and also painfully shy, I gather."

A horrendous scream exploded from the direction of the house, but Remus wasn't really paying attention to Sirius' hysterical accusations of child molestation. He was a bit dazed by the child who had captured his hand, heart… and lips. He touched his mouth gingerly and stared at her. She smirked satisfactorily, and turned to put a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

"Dear cousin," she began.

He stopped yelling at Remus and turned on her, "I'm your UNCLE! HONESTLY!"

She was undisturbed by his outburst, and plowed on. "Anyways, your mightiness, I just want to assure you that your cute friend and I have just shared ONE entirely innocent peck on the lips, and I'm nine, remember? I can make decisions. _I_ kissed _him_!" she announced, very proud of herself. "Plus," she continued, not stopping long enough for Sirius to interrupt. "We're going to get married, so it doesn't matter anyways."

That brought Remus back to earth. His jaw hit the ground and his eyebrows disappeared into his sandy fringe.

Sirius couldn't help himself. He started laughing. Again.

This kid amused him to no end.

Tonks walked off to the house to find something to entertain herself, leaving one startled, amazed, highly confused werewolf and a demented wild uncle behind her. The two men gawked obscenely, gazing after the tiny retreating figure. Remus' mouth still hung wide open. Sirius gave him a quick once over.

"You know, with all said and done, you two _do_ make quite a cute couple," and promptly dissolved into fits of remarkably feminine giggles.

xxxxx

**Author's Note: All the usual self-hate. Wanted it to be longer, wanted it to be better, wanted better characterization. Failed my own self expectations (****which aren'****t even that high, after the last chapter.) I would have patched it up, but ****it's**** been a while since I updated, so I figure I owe it to you guys to put it out there.**** So here it is. ****Starts out okay? But the rest - y****uck. Sorry ****again****. Hopefully something will turn around the next time I try this. ----**

_Please, Please review! Even if you hated it as much as I did…_


	7. Chapter 7: Chocolate Espresso Challenge

Time: Imminent spring, OotP.

**Chapter 7: Chocolate Espresso**** Challenge**

_I've found I'm scared to know _

_I'm always on your mind_

Spring was coming. Wet, rainy weather had taken hold of London's winter skies, turning the days gray and pushing buds through the soil, one by one. Tonks was sure if she sat by the flowerbeds of her apartment windows for more than an hour, she would be able to see the blooming of at least one flower, because every night she came home, there seemed to be fifty more roots sprouting up, fighting the other buds for space and soil.

_Unfortunately_, she thought bitterly, _time is not something I've had in excess lately._ Puddles splashed up around her feet, soaking the ankles of her robes straight through and sloshing over her muggle sneakers. She waved her wand at the wet clothes and they dried instantly. She flicked it again, and black boots replaced the dripping sneakers. There was an Order meeting, she knew, but she was impossibly late. Still, she trudged through the dark, damp London streets, making her way to Grimmauld Place.

Kingsley had set so much paperwork upon her that morning she almost thought to check and see if all the other Aurors had quit, and she was meant to do the work for all of them. They hadn't. The rest, it seemed, had better, more interesting work to do. Field work. She had moaned endlessly to herself when she realized she had no cause to complain. Much of the work appeared to be information concerning the whereabouts of a certain Sirius Black, which she supposed Dumbledore didn't want many people to work with. She was the one who had decided to join the Order. This was her doing, and she would take responsibility.

'Course, she never regretted joining the fight… just resented the workload that had been dumped solely on her, Kingsley, and Mad-Eye lately. Apparently, they were the only three Aurors who had full authority to check out Black's case. She exhaled through her nose and continued stomping through the black alleyways.

Now that she was close enough to the end of the side street, she glanced around surreptitiously to affirm the absence of any Muggle spectators. Tonks closed her eyes and Apparated directly onto the top step of a familiar, grim looking house. She raised a fist to pound on the door, listening for signals of life from inside.

xxxxx

"Terminal tardiness. That's what you have." She grumbled her consent; this was the third meeting in the past month that she had been late for. Remus tapped his chin, obviously thinking, as he set the coffeepot on the machine and smacked it violently with his wand.

"You're working a Muggle machine with a wand? And you've set it up in Sirius' house, of all places? That's a recipe for disaster."

"He's not allowed to touch it."

"Ahhh." She smiled reflexively as he flashed her a cheeky grin.

"Dora, have you any idea what time it is?"

She banged her head repeatedly against the wall. "No. I don't have a bloody clue. I am disinclined to believe I give a damn, either. Kingsley and I have been worked to bone these past months. Haven't slept for at least a week. Ever since the search for Sirius picked up with Lucius' tip, the Minister has been dead set on finding him. I'm sure he believes if he can just pin it all on Padfoot, there won't be a problem with all of 'Dumbledore's silly power-crazed old rubbish'. He thinks it'll clear up all confusion and speculation about You-Know-Who's return, and no one shall ever dare to doubt his authority again." She puffed out her chest at her last words, and turned her skin an exact shade of lime green to match Fudge's ever-present bowler.

He chuckled involuntarily and grinned again.

_Why can't I __get rid of that lunatic smile on__ my face? What is wrong with you? You may _not_ look at her like that. Stop it! Stop! You cannot feel these things. Are those butterflies__ in your stomach? Oh my bloody freaking god__, they are. What are you, twelve? How can you allow _butterflies_ to enter__ your stomach? _

_Shut up._

_Seriously, wipe that bloody__ grin off your face._

_But she's so…_

_Stop that! Stop it right now!_

_But…_

_NO! Where are you going?__ Where exactly do you think you are going, young man?_

_I'm thirty-seven. Please._

Meanwhile, in some other far away part of his undoubtedly useless mind, he was wondering why the voices in his head sounded so much like Sirius and James having one of their "friendly discussions".

Tonks, blissfully unaware of Remus' internal struggle with his higher senses, started bouncing around in her seat, looking undeniably young and adorable. His left foot took one step towards her, then his right. Quick backtrack. Left foot forward… and back. Right foot inching in her direction, snatch it back. _ARGH! _He finally managed a step forward, and then promptly jumped five feet in the air when a canon shot off behind him. Tonks froze.

"What was that?" she asked shakily as Remus turned to the counter.

"Coffee's done," he sighed.

She blew out an exasperated breath, causing her thick pink fringe to flutter about her forehead.

"Does it have be so loud? I have a major headache going on here."

"I don't doubt it. It's three in the morning and you haven't slept all week, right?"

Remus measured creamer into the coffee and tossed the spoon in the sink. It clattered loudly against the pile of dishes and he turned to see Tonks' eyes popping out of her head. Literally. He yelped and almost spilled the coffee everywhere.

"Scary," he mumbled unintelligibly, "Bloody Metamorphagus. Frightening, absurd young woman."

She took the mug from him with a grimace, taking care to slop half it over the side.

"Three? Really?"

He nodded and took a long drink. The hot liquid burned down his welcoming throat.

Nymphadora stared into her mug. She swirled it around, letting the steam rise and fill her nose and mouth with all the hazelnut ground goodness. She breathed deeply, and released. Breathe in. Breathe out. It was like a healing potion. She closed her eyes in satisfaction and took a sip.

Remus watched, utterly bewitched by her unbounded emotion. She put so much of herself into everything; from love, to work, to simple relaxation. It was … spellbinding, for lack of a better word, how much the woman could give. Give, and give, and never need anything in return.

"Been living on nothing but chocolate and coffee for the past two days." She glanced at the cup in her hands, noticing something. "But I thought you were a tea drinker?"

He winced. It wasn't that he knew her too well. Not too much tenderness. Not that he was sure that at this time, in this place, in this state of mind, _this_ is what she would to have. He surprised himself. Yes, he definitely didn't put _that_ much thought into it. He muttered incomprehensibly about "not in the mood… once in a while… developed a liking…"

Her violet eyes twinkled at him from under her shocking pink fringe.

"Thanks," she murmured softly, leaning over to kiss him lingeringly on the cheek. That put an abrupt halt to his incoherent rambling.

Tonks sat back and pulled out a bar of Dascester Belgium Chocolate and broke it in halves, handing part of it to him, "I guess I'm just a chocolate espresso kind of girl, yeah?"

"Yeah," Remus looked at her thoughtfully, nibbling on the chocolate made especially by elves to compliment some special wine, also of their making, he wasn't sure which.

A pale neck arched, and she rested her bubblegum pink head against the faded wood wall, placing her empty mug back on the ancient table. She was relaxed. And happy. Finally. Questioning why she only reached this state of serenity at Order meetings, she opened one closed eye blearily, peering at the fascinating man before her. He was studying his chocolate intensely. He licked melted chocolate off one of his fingers and she shivered, snapping her eye shut again. He didn't even know she was looking at him! How could he know. Why was that… Why was he…

_What? WHAT?_

_That was not seductive. That was not sexy. That was not suggestive. Or charming. Or cute. That was NOT - in any way - attractive. Huh._

_Well, why was it so bloody hot, then?_

_Merlin._

"I love you," she said bluntly.

Remus' grey eyes widened. His jaw dropped (and shut quickly again when he realized there was still chocolate in his mouth). He swallowed.

Tonks looked at him expectantly. He stared back.

"Wh-" he cleared his throat. "Wha… I mean, WHAT?"

_Come on, Remus, you're an adult. You can handle this. You're not in love. I bet she isn't, either. Not for real. Right?_

Her laugh sounded like bells. He melted. _Okay, maybe you can't handle this._

"I've told you that before."

"Wha—yeah. Yeah. Right. It's nothing. Sorry." He was stuttering. Spluttering. Tripping over words. Like always. Whenever he was with _her_.

_What the hell were you thinking? Of course she didn't mean it like that. Not Dora. Not someone like her._

She smiled, but there was a trace of something else in there, and the joy didn't quite reach her eyes. Remus decided he hated that smile. He wanted her every bit as happy as she always was. Energetic, playful, and always full of life.

But she gave him that twisted smile, and brushed through his hair with her fingers, bending over the table again. "No. That's not it. It does _not_ mean 'nothing'."

He just sat motionless, completely mesmerized by the lovely Miss Nymphadora.

"It means _something_. And maybe quite a lot of something. Maybe at some point, this something we have could more meaning than anything else in our entire lives. But we have to let it get there."

"What?" he croaked as he moved around the table and her finger slipped to his neck, massaging the muscles there.

She sighed at him. "You can be really thick for someone who's supposedly so brilliant."

Remus frowned. "I love you, you idiot! Maybe… maybe someday you would love me too," she looked at him questioningly, "because there's chemistry here. Chemistry, or magic, or something else lovely and warm and fulfilling and perfect. But I don't know if you can."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, "Why not?"

Dora gave him that dreadful smile that he didn't like.

"You are so closed. I want to love you, Remus John Lupin, for who you are. Funny, smart, kind, caring, sensitive, gorgeous… it's wonder you haven't been snatched away yet. The thing is, though…"

_"_What? What is the thing?"

Her eyes turned to the floor, then returned to his, searching. "A secret. A secret, Remus. Love and friendship are built on trust. Honesty. The willingness to expose yourself. And let people love you for who you really are. Could you do that? Could you handle that sort of exposure? You are a brave man. Loyal, strong. Can you do this one thing? Can you leave your past, or whatever it is that haunts you behind? Can you let it go?"

"No."

He steadied himself on the table.

"This mysteriousness of mine. A secret, you call it. Crucial, lethal, deadly secret. I cannot leave it behind. It is with my every day. A condition. It walks with me. Sleeps with me. Lives and breathes alongside me, _inside_ me. Like a caged animal. A _disease._" he spat the words at Tonks, hating her for making him want her. For making him want to listen to her empty words.

"A disease? You cannot trust me with your vital secret? I love you Remus, why don't you understand? No one else can sit with me, talk to me, laugh with me like you do. Certainly not at three in the morning. Didn't you open the door for me, hours after everyone had left? Didn't you sit here and listen to me go on about absolutely nothing, and actually seem to care? Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you trust me?"

"Why? You can wonder. You would never want me if you knew."

She looked up at him sorrowfully.

"I will always want you."

He couldn't bear to hear these things from her. She didn't know.

Remus yanked himself away from her comforting touch and grabbed the empty mugs, leaving the table. Tonks stood beside him, pushing the chair away.

"Really?" He dropped the cups in the full sink, daring to believe for just one moment. Elbows on the counter, he drops his head into his hands.

"Always." Dora's voice is soft, running over him like cool water, smoother than silk… She is behind him, beside him, within him. She is everywhere, and he loves her. She turns him to face her and rises on her toes to kiss him gently on the lips. His eyelids drop.

_A weakness. Succumbing to love. Letting them get too close. Letting them get hurt._

"Always, Mr. Lupin."

_But maybe… just once… something different._

"No matter what the circumstance."

Her mouth drew breath from his, and she whispered against his cheek.

"The place, the time, the people. Irrelevant. I know this, now. I love you. Now, tomorrow, in death. Forever."

_Something that feels so right could never be wrong._

He looked down at her, more contradicted than ever before (which was saying something), "And me… also… maybe… one day."

Her kisses were breaking down his defenses quicker

And Remus Lupin surrendered. For a few minutes, he was young. Whole. Living. A few moments with her.

xxxxx

He almost regretted it. Almost. Not putting up more of a fight. Giving in so easily. Letting his emotions rule the situation, letting his feeling take reign over his mind.

But not truly.

Not fully enough to feel guilty.

He had always wanted her. He knew, somewhere inside him, that he loved her too. But he wasn't ready yet. And she understood.

Somehow, with some grace, someone had made it so she understood.

One day, perhaps, he would tell her. Show her his other half, the side he let take control when the real Remus simply couldn't fight any longer. And one day, perhaps, she would accept it.

One day, perhaps… he could tell her he loved her.

Then too, she would understand…

xxxxx

The streets were still dark. The air was still cold. But everything was brighter.

Remus was slow. Real. Even rather frightening. Still, Tonks was happy.

She had figured out one thing at last. Much of the puzzle was undone, but she would wait for him to reveal his secrets in his own time. For now, she would be satisfied with what came.

Because Remus Lupin was a challenge, and she was a challenge-type-of-girl. A dare, a bet… anything to spice it up and make life more fun.

This would be an exciting run, for sure. An enticing, lovely challenge. With her whole heart in it, and such a prize…

Such a love… Such a _delicious_ challenge.

Yes, she decided, jumping in puddles and whistling, ignorant of the fact that most people did not appreciate clumsy women falling about their doorsteps in the wee hours of the morning. He was _her _challenge, and most scrumptious.

She smiled in anticipation.

_A__ chocolate espresso challenge._

* * *

**Author's Note: Yech. I am so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't write at all, apparently. I sort of wish I had planned this out beforehand now, so it wouldn't be so horrible. I can honestly say this was my least favorite chapter of them all. Coming from me, that's a lot of hate. Yuck. I also want to write more on HBP****, DH**** and all,**** but**** I appear to be stuck in OotP zone. Dunno what's eating me. ****E****ven if you despised it, please let me know any of your thoughts or suggestions or corrections because I love reading your delightful reviews. Even when I know I don't deserve it. Sorry for going on so long… I am quite terrible. I'll leave now, shall I? Thanks for sitting through this and reading all the useless nonsense. I love you.**

**You don't have to read those. I think I just put them in as a way of justifying myself… or consoling myself that people won't be all "what does she think she's doing?" because I'm telling them here that I know I can't write this thing properly. Blast. I will stop now. Promise. Thank you all for being fantastic. Because you are. Beyond amazing. **


	8. Chapter 8: Broken

Dedication: For all my lovely readers, with special love to those who take the time to review. You guys make it all worthwhile.

Disclaimer: I always forget this. It's obvious, though, isn't it, that I don't own Harry Potter?

Timeframe: HBP, December 23rd.

**Chapter 8: ****Broken**

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

_Even the stars refuse to shine_

It was snowing in Hogsmeade. A thick white blanket covered the little village in a peaceful sheet, whilst from the sky descended the biggest, most brilliant white snowflakes Nymphadora had ever seen.

Her hair, which was midnight blue, flecked with silver specks and cut in a boyish, spiky fashion, was frosted at the tips with fragile translucent flakes. Her eyes shone silver in the moonlight, and her robes were flowing and white, contrasting starkly with the dark scene behind her, sparkling alongside the incredibly brilliant snow.

She breathed deeply and closed her eyes, turning slowly on the slippery sidewalk. _Crisp winter air…_

xxxxx

The velvet duvet that was the sky was shaded a magnificent deep blue, much the same color as Dora's hair. No stars twinkled from the heavens tonight. The glowing white moon alone shed light in luminous beams across the shadowed lane, and no one but Nymphadora walked these silent streets.

Tonight, for the first time, she had accomplished what she had failed at for six months; full Metamorphasing. She couldn't remember ever going so long without the ability to transform her appearance.

So much had changed. People, places, friends... the very _atmosphere_ of the wizarding world had lost its luster with that sense of impending doom that marked Voldemort's return.

She swept about a corner, skirts swirling about her in a rush of white silk. She, too, had changed.

A single tear hovered on the edge of oblivion, threatening a storm if she couldn't control herself. But she would. She would regain control.

_I refuse to lose myself again. _

xxxxx

A shaking hand rose to press itself against her eyes, hot with unshed tears. An arm outstretched, bracing a fragile body against the stone wall. She shivers.

_Breathe deeply. You are in control. Don'__t slip away. Never fail_

Her eyes open slowly. Thick blue lashes wet with building pressure, Nymphadora steadies herself once more, ashamed.

xxxxx

The snow obscures any and all signs of life, and she is complacent in that.

Yet, her senses were always hyperactive to his presence. Out of the corner of her overlarge eyes, she sees them.

A radiant silver mist. That old wooden bench. And the hunched form of a broken man.

How long had it been since she had seen him? It could not have been more than a month, but time stretches on forever when you're missing someone. To her, it had been an eternity lost. Lost, as it always was.

Again, an onslaught of caged emotion, threatening to break free. A torrent of sorrow, a hurricane of woe, fighting to get loose.

_But he is fallen. He too, is lost._

Her footsteps are quiet, her movements fluid.

So just once, Nymphadora is graceful.

Surely, though, her sanity was fading. That form… she had not seen that dog for months. Terrible, lonely months. Weeks in denial, endless days wallowing in guilt, lost hours spent sobbing into Remus' arms.

Behind the bench now, she is still speechless. The rather intimidating Grim stands before her, and this time, the tears do fall. They come rapidly, running soundlessly down her pale cheeks as she reaches out to it. Silvery white, almost a ghost. It is not Sirius. But it is, it is him, in some form. Her hand stops, centimeters away from his nose. Sirius bears phosphorescent teeth at her in his familiar canine smile.

Looking back into those luminescent eyes, she can be Tonks once more. She turns her head to the man sitting bent over, head in his hands, wand lying in his lap. He is so alone.

She sits beside him, brushing snow from the creaking old bench, all worries for herself and her mother's engagement robes forgotten. Her only thoughts were of him. He lowers his hands and grasps the wand. Shimmering, like a desert mirage, the Patronus fades away.

xxxxx

Thin white fingers lace through his, his wand caught between both trembling hands.

"I knew… he would always protect me." Tonks winces at the bitterness in Remus' voice. He lifts his head to look at her defiantly, face illuminated in the harsh light of the streetlamps ahead of them. They sat facing the Shrieking Shack, and all the painful memories of the house were blatantly displayed, torturously strung out upon his haunted features.

Tonks meets him halfway.

As they kiss, her hands move beneath his robes, seeking reassurance, seeking any response. His arms close around her waist, and he sighs into her mouth. Her lips are cold, but he is warm.

_It has been so long._

"The more I try to stay away, the closer I become."

"Stay," She pleads. He has been away for many days.

He pulls away. "No. No." He glances at her again, in apparent horror, but he cannot seem to look away. She leans down again to finish the kiss.

"This is wrong." He moans as she pushes him down again. In these times, one never knew when the next time she saw him would be. She knew this may be her last chance.

"Remus. It is… the year is nearly over… and I…" words were rendered unnecessary as he pulled her back into him.

"I need you… just this once. Don't stop me, please," Her words were muttered carelessly, but the underlying feeling was unequivocal. She was begging him. And Remus would never refuse her. It was too hard. She was Tonks, after all. She was his.

"One time." He relinquished. He always gave up too easy with her. A few words and a kiss, and he was gone. He laid a gentle kiss on her chin.

They were quiet together, alone with one another. These things do not come easy. These moments were rare. Tonks traced his jaw line with butterfly kisses.

Suddenly she hit something out of place. Sticky and hot, something wet trickling from a cut beneath his ear. Remus jerked away from her. She licked her lips. A coppery taste flowed thick over her tongue. Blood. She shifted beside him and turned his head to the light.

He shrank away, as though expecting a look of disgust or a reprimand. The deep gash running from below his ear to the base of his neck provoked nothing more from her than a fluttering of fingers over his bare skin and a fumbling for her wand in her robes. Tonks appeared undisturbed by the blood, worried only for him and the effect his sustained injury was having. Remus stared at her in awe. She was truly beautiful. She hushes him and tells him not to move.

"You are almost… ethereal. So lovely in this black night. Untouched…" He whispers against her neck as she presses her lips to his forehead and trails her wand down his wound. The stream of Latin issuing forth from her mouth is indecipherable, but her spell is cleansing the wound, healing it, closing it, transforming it into nothing more than a thin scar running a long, jagged path across his throat. Tonks melts into him, pressing against his warmth. His robes were torn, his body was scarred. He looked older, more worn. And still, she loved him. Still, she wanted him. Still, she needed him.

Because however young she may be, however untouched she may look…

"I am not unbroken."

xxxxx

**Author's Note: Whew. Inhale. Exhale. Okay. I am not going to say anything. Repeat. I am not going to say anything. I will leave that up to you. (Hint, Hint)**


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